


Lost in Thoughts, but Never Alone

by EnterNameHere



Category: Fire Emblem: If | Fire Emblem: Fates
Genre: Au of sorts, Potential Spoilers, Some characters are only mentioned - Freeform, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-01
Updated: 2016-08-12
Packaged: 2018-06-05 16:43:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,003
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6712888
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EnterNameHere/pseuds/EnterNameHere
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lives are like movies. You choose the plot, the characters, the setting. Few movies that are started are shown in theaters. And lives rarely get to write their own ending. This is the story of a woman who fooled fate, who chose a path that was not presented to her. She wrote her own ending. And it blew up the box office.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. A New Path

**Author's Note:**

> I want two things to be made clear. First, this is my first time ever writing fan fiction, let alone publishing it. Constructive criticism is not only allowed, but heavily encouraged. Second, I came up with this idea on my own. I know about ImHamiltonTrash's story "Mors per Suicidium," but this is completely separate from that. I'm not trying to 1-up him in any way, shape, or form. With that in mind, enjoy the story.

Corrin stood in the Hoshidan plains, sandwiched between two armies. It had only been three days since she became reacquainted with the outside world, and she was already facing a life decision that was sending her spiraling.

She looked to her right, towards her Hoshidan brethren. Ryoma, his Raijinto fully unsheathed, stood awaiting her decision. He had only yesterday found his sister again, and by no means would he leave without her. Hinoka had climbed off of her pegasus, standing by with her naginata in hand. Ever since Corrin had been kidnapped, Hinoka had worked to bring her home. The realization that Corrin may have come home for the last time was apparent in her expression. Takumi's stare could be easily felt without even needing to be seen; he was standing ready with the Fujin Yumi, expecting the worst as the natural pessimist he was. Sakura stood timidly by, hiding partially behind Takumi. Her hands were shaking so much, it was a surprise she could even hold onto the festal that she had. Try as Corrin might, she couldn't find Azura. Perhaps she was just hiding for now?

Queen Mikoto was dead. Corrin's birth mother, who she had only just yesterday seen for the first time in decades, had been killed. Hoshido had taken a massive blow, but Corrin had taken a worse one. To see her mother die a day after meeting her? Nothing could ever mend that wound.

Corrin looked over to her left, towards her Nohrian siblings. Xander loomed large, still on horseback. He had Siegfried sheathed for now, but his hand was placed firmly on its hilt. The wyvern that Camilla rode had landed, and Camilla stood next to it in a manner that could have passed off as beckoning, or even seducing her sister back. But Camilla could see that Corrin wasn't falling for it. Leo, like his older brother, had yet to step foot off of his horse. Corrin could see that Leo had opened Brynhildr partially, using his right thumb to keep the tome from closing fully. Leo cared for Corrin, but by no means would he relax his guard until Corrin was safely back at Castle Krakenburg. Well, "safely" might have been stretching it a bit. Elise, other than Ryoma and Xander, was standing the closest to Corrin. She had an unfittingly nervous grip on her Mend staff, and was lightly biting her lip as she stared almost pleadingly at her older sister.

King Garon was dead. The merciless ruler of Nohr that started this conflict had been killed. Nobody knew how. Nobody knew when. But everyone knew why. Corrin wouldn't miss him for anything. Never in a million years.

On both sides, just beyond her siblings, their retainers were standing by, readying themselves for a conflict which they knew was inevitable. She could also see other fighters allied with either side. She had met all of them in person before and had meaningful conversations with all of them. Whether they wanted to admit it or not, everyone present in the higher ranks had a deep, emotional connection with Corrin. But which connections were less valuable? Could she even answer that question correctly?

Corrin was weighing her options as she unconsciously unsheathed Yato. She could join Hoshido and fight against the family she had known for over a decade or two. She could join Nohr and commit fratricide. She could choose neither and be pegged an enemy to all. She could—

Leo could see the look that suddenly came to Corrin's eyes. "Don't do it," he whispered to himself. "Whatever happens, Corrin, don't you dare do it."

Camilla heard him, and she straightened up as she averted her gaze from Corrin for the first time. "Don't do what?" she asked her younger brother. Leo sighed, and drew a line on his neck from left to right using his free thumb. Camilla wrinkled her brow for a moment, almost dumbfounded. But not at the meaning; it was clear that he was trying to say that Corrin was going to kill someone. But the way he did it was confusing. He used his left thumb in it, doing it from left to right. That had to be an awkward movement. Generally one would do it starting on the side opposite their arm, but Leo started on the same side, and he wasn't the type to do something without reason. What was he trying to s—

Suddenly Camilla realized what it was. She looked back towards Corrin in horror, who was now looking down at the Yato in her hand.

Hinoka saw the gesture made by the Nohrian prince. She was also trying to piece together what it was supposed to mean. But after seeing the lilac princess's expression, it all came together. She saw Corrin start to put her other hand on Yato's hilt. Hinoka broke. "Corrin, don't do i–!" she started to yell.

But it was far too late. Corrin had sheathed the Yato, this time deep into her abdomen.

Time seemed to slow down. As Corrin collapsed, Hinoka, Elise, Ryoma, and Xander were all hurrying towards her. Ryoma and Elise were the first two there. Ryoma had dropped Raijinto. He cradled Corrin's head in his arms, tears falling slowly down his cheeks. Elise was undergoing worse mental damage. Ryoma had helped her pull the Yato out of Corrin and she was feverishly shaking her Mend staff, wondering why the wound wasn't healing. "Come on, come on, comeoncomeoncomeon, please, Corrin! St-stay with-stay with-" She couldn't finish her thought. She broke down, bawling into the crimson chest of the sister she had idolized for so long. Xander was alongside Elise, tears starting to form in his eyes, but refusing to fall. He put his hand on Elise's back, doing his best to comfort her as he looked into the fading red eyes of his younger sister as she was slipping from her last stretch of life. Hinoka was leaning on Ryoma, tears flowing openly. Her entire life was dedicated to bringing Corrin home. She had trained her entire life so that she could see her sister again. But not like this. Never like this. Camilla was on her knees, her face a picture of excruciating pain. She wanted to cry, but no tears would come. She wanted to scream, but no noise would emerge. She wanted to run over and hug her sister, but her muscles weren't listening. For the first time in her life, Camilla felt utterly useless. Leo remained on his horse, showing little outside emotion. He took his thumb out of Brynhildr and put the tome away in a hidden compartment of his horse's armor. He sighed as he reached down and helped Camilla to her feet, dragging her almost unresponsive form up and onto his steed. Sakura had fainted at the sight of Corrin stabbing herself. She lay sprawled on the grass, completely oblivious to everything around her as her retainers, who were in slightly better condition, tried to get her back on her feet. Takumi was kneeling down, supposedly praying. He bowed his head, doing his best to limit any outwardly emotion. What was he praying for? Who knows?

As life was starting to run away from Corrin, she did her best to utter one last comment:

"Ryoma...Xander...please..l-lay down your...swords...for my sake...Violence isn't...th-the ans—" She groaned hoarsely, coughing blood all over her armor, some of it landing in Elise's pigtails. "an-answer...Try t-to make...a better...future..." She grinned lamely, and did a cringe-worthy attempt at a chuckle. "I mean...c-come on...you wouldn't...rob a s-sister...of her d-dying wish...w-would you...?" She glanced down at herself, and limply put her hand on Elise's head as she smiled weakly. "Pl-please, Elise...don't...cry...I did th-this...for the...sake of...th-the sake...of...of..." Corrin's body went completely limp, still smiling, as whatever life she had left in her finally flew free.

Everyone in the elite ranks lost someone dear to them that day. Some lost an ally. Others lost a friend. But the royals lost a sister. And Sunday wasn't even halfway done.


	2. Freedom and Happiness (or Lack Thereof)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's been a day since Corrin's suicide, but everyone's still in deep grief. Jakob, Felicia, and Flora only recently found out about the demise of their Lady, and they start to take it out on themselves and each other.

The word of Corrin's suicide became known throughout both Nohr and Hoshido within the day. Messengers had been sent to various towns, telling the locals of the sad occurrence at the plains of Hoshido. But her servants didn't learn the news until the army returned. When the news finally arrived, the maids and butler excused themselves as politely as they could and went to their living quarters. The moment they arrived, the somber mood deteriorated into chaos.

Felicia was holding Jakob's arms as tightly as possible. He had a dagger inches away from his throat, and was trying to force it further to no avail. Felicia was begging at him, tears flowing from her eyes. "Jakob, stop this! I realize h-how close you were to her, but killing yourself won't fix anything!"

"Lady Corrin was my life!" Jakob yelled, still trying to force the dagger nearer his neck. "Without her, I may as well be wasted space! She was the only thing I remotely cared about in this world! She...she..."

The dagger fell from his hands as he suddenly relaxed his hold, letting his arms go limp, catching Felicia off-guard, causing her to fall flat on her back. Jakob, for what may have been the first time in his life, began crying. "Sh-she wouldn't have wanted this..."

Flora snorted, making noise for the first time since they received the news. "Why should you care? You're a free man now. Enjoy it."

Felicia was taken aback at Flora's words. "S-Sister, how can you say that?! Corrin was our lord! She was our friend! You did the most for her! If anything, you should-"

"-Be the one most upset from this?" Flora snapped at her sister. The room was getting noticeably colder. "Nothing but bullshit. What did I show her that was actually real? Compassion? False. Sympathy? False. None of it was legitimate! We're just servants in this hellhole, taken from our homes to serve a kidnapped orphan!" Jakob shot her a menacing glare at this statement, but she ignored him. "If I had showed any hatred for my 'job,' what do you think Garon would've done?"

Jakob retaliated, and Flora almost showed some pleasure at his rage. "Lady Corrin gave me a home! She-she was kind to all of us, including you! Especially you! Are you implying that for every single one of the several thousand days you've been here, you didn't harbor any liking to her once? D-do you realize how absurd that implication even is?"

Flora expected Jakob's every word, and responded accordingly, her voice imitating the butler's rage, "What position are you in to tell me what to feel, Jakob? It's my life, I can feel what I want!"

Felicia noticed some flowers on the nearby table starting to wilt from the blizzard Flora was building up, and she suddenly realized what was going on. Felicia had seen this side of her sister before. Whenever Flora was in grief, she would always feign indifference, sometimes even satisfaction, at the incident in an attempt to get the surrounding people to get infuriated for little legitimate reason. She always loved getting a rise out of others. Tears frozen to her cheeks, Felicia grabbed hold of her sister, trying to get Flora to drop the schtick. "Sister, please stop! I-I know what you're doing, and it's not helping anyone!"

Flora shoved her sister roughly, knocking her to the floor again. "You don't understand my feelings, sister, and you never have! I hate Lady Corrin! I'm glad that I don't need to serve her anymore! I...I don't even have a single bit of resentment over her death!"

Jakob pulled himself together long enough to make a comment in his usual, smart-aleck manner: "There's some...ice in your eye, Flora. I'm fairly certain that's due to more than just the blizzard."

Jakob was right. Flora was starting to break, much sooner than Felicia would have expected. She was starting to falter in her words as she did her best to maintain her composure for as long as she could. "Sh-shut up, Jakob! What did I just tell you? You don't know me! Y-you don't know how I feel! You don't...you don't...you..." Her legs gave in, and she caught herself the table as she sunk to her knees. The blizzard was beginning to subside as tears started to stream down her face. "You...you don't...you d-don't know..."

Flora didn't bother trying to finish her thought as she rested on the edge of the table, bawling her eyes out as Felicia hugged her from behind.

Jakob rose and left the maid sisters to themselves. Elsewhere in the castle, he could hear the lamentation of several others. He could recognize most of them: Lord Leo and Ladies Camilla and Elise were the most obvious. But he heard an unfamiliar cry, one that he felt he would hear if he went to the polar opposite side and furthest floor of the source. Jakob entered the room from which the unfamiliar cry was coming. His eyes immediately went to the figure sitting at the table where Corrin's body lay, hunched over. Perhaps to his chagrin, Jakob could recognize that gray excuse for hair anywhere.

"...Silas, I presume?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we go again. Sorry for the cliffhanger-ish ending. I didn't want to end it abruptly, I didn't want to continue the chapter for too long, and I didn't really have any better idea. Much like before, constructive criticism is not just allowed, but heavily encouraged. And to those who may be curious, I'm doing Silas next. That'll be fun.


	3. The Best Friend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's funny how two days that seem comepletely different can have so much in common. But with his best friend being dead, Silas couldn't really think about that.

_Corrin lay on the table, flat on her back. Her best friend, Silas, was sitting at the table towards the middle. They had sat in silence for quite a while at this point. Silas was picking at his fingernails when he heard his friend speak. "Hey, Silas?"_

_Silas looked up from his idle task. "Yeah, Cor?"_

_Corrin had her eyes closed. "Do you think I'll ever be able to leave this place?"_

_Silas straightened up. "Of course! Why wouldn't you?"_

_Corrin sighed. "Just a random thought. From what I've heard from Flora and Felicia, most of the outside world sounds dangerous. Especially with a war going on, y'know?"_

_Silas laughed. "Please. Once your training begins, you'll be able to handle yourself. Besides, you'll have me at your back all the way! Friends to the end, remember?"_

_Corrin could not suppress a chuckle. "Yeah, sure. Friends to the end. Gods, that's so cheesy." She held her hand out aimlessly. "Want to make it even cheesier and shake on it?"_

_Silas was confused. "I think we actually did that too, but okay."_

_Silas took Corrin's hand, and she suddenly thrusted her arm towards his face, clipping the bridge of his nose. Silas was taken by surprise, and in a late attempt to dodge he ended up falling off of his seat. The young princess laughed aloud. "Ha! Gotcha!"_

_Silas sighed heavily as he held his head in both hands. "How did I not see that coming?"_

_Corrin clasped her hands at her midriff. "I'm just too good, apparently."_

_"Ahem. Lady Corrin?"_

_Both looked towards the door. Jakob was standing there, at attention. "Your brother wishes to see you, milady."_

_Corrin sat up. "Which one?"_

_Jakob could not suppress a grin. "He was wearing his collar inside-out."_

_Corrin matched the butler's grin. "Leo it is, then. Alright, I'll come with. Later, Silas."_

_Silas waved. "Bye, Cor."_  
__  
————————————

Silas sat at the table in Castle Krakenburg where Corrin's body lay. They had seen each other for the first time in two decades, and for the last time of her life. His hands were covering his eyes in a vain attempt to stop the tears from flowing. 

He accidentally scratched himself. Pulling his hands away, he started to pick at the offending nail, asking the rhetorical question that nobody knew the answer to: "Why, Corrin? Why? Why did you do this?" 

His best friend lay completely silent, her hands at her midriff. Silas took one of the hands, looking unwillingly at the wound. He sighed, leaning on the hand that held Corrin's. Tears were starting to flow again. He doubled over, burying his face as he cried without shame. Through his tears, he heard a voice: "...las, I presume?" 

He looked up slowly. It was Corrin's butler, Jakob. "Long time no see, Jakob." He tried to sound emotionally competent. "Wish it were under better circumstances." 

Jakob sat next to Silas. "You and me both, Sir." 

Silas turned back to his friend's body. "More like you, me and everyone, really. Why'd she do it?" 

Jakob sighed. He was beyond his depression at this point. "I wish I knew the answer. So that Nohr and Hoshido can unite through their sorrow, perhaps?" 

Silas could not suppress a small chuckle. "Gods, that's cheesy. But I know what you mean. She obviously didn't want everyone fighting over her. She's far from selfish." 

Jakob nodded in agreement. "Whatever the reason, the world lost a great person this week." 

Silas was somehow already feeling slightly better. He stood up. "No kidding. I'm going to figure out something else to do. Sitting here and staring at Cor's body won't help me." 

Jakob smirked as he jokingly said, "You might want to straighten out your hair as well." 

Silas sighed. "My hair is the last thing I need to worry about right now." 

With that, he left the room, leaving Jakob alone with the body of his late master. Jakob reached into his pocket and took out a small box. He opened it up and looked at the ring that he had bought last week. He looked at Corrin and felt the tears start to well up again. "...ust two days before I had planned to..." His voice faded into sobs as the tears started to fall again. 

Silas stood outside of the doorway, looking in at the butler. When Jakob broke down again, Silas averted his eyes and walked on down the hall. As he walked, he passed by Peri, who was sitting outside of her room and being uncharacteristically silent. She hadn't bothered to tie her pigtails that day. On the outside she was showing little emotion, but on the inside, she was breaking down. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What's this? A new update of mine without a sneak peek?
> 
> Look at me. I'm a rebel.
> 
> In all seriousness, this was a pain in the ASS to write. I tried to make it flow as easily as possible without sounding awkward, but it got the better of me.
> 
> I'm still happy with it though.
> 
> For those wondering, I'll likely upload a couple of custom support conversations and some one-offs, one or two starring my OC, Jaych, before I continue with my main works.
> 
> And don't expect to hear from me much during the next two weeks. I'll be at Computer Camp, so the time I'll have available to write will be extremely limited.
> 
> As for the next chapter of this, I'm doing an interaction between Camilla and Selena. Things get feelsy really fast.


	4. History

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The boundary between comforting and ranting is a thin one.

Camilla didn't know what to do with herself anymore. Corrin was the only thing she had cared for, and now she had nothing. She buried her face in a pillow that was already drenched in tears and mascara.

What was she to do with her life now?

There was a gentle knock at the door to her room, but Camilla didn't hear it. A voice called out. "Lady Camilla?" Camilla heard the voice, and straightened up for a moment, wiping the tears from her eyes. A silence followed. Then the voice came again. "Camilla, it's me. Selena. I want to talk."

"I don't care who you are," Camilla said as her tears came back in force.

Selena sighed loudly. "Was that a no? Look, I just want to talk this out. Friend to friend."

Camilla's words got ahead of her thoughts. "You're not my friend, you're my retainer!" she shouted through her tears. "Now go away!"

Selena scoffed. "Ugh, fine! Be that way!"

Camilla suddenly realized what she had said. "No, wait! Please..." She trailed off into more sobs as she said in a barely audible voice, "...on't leave me..."

Selena opened the door slowly, quietly closing it behind her. She stood at the door for a few seconds before slowly making her way over to Camilla's bed. She stood in silence for a while longer, watching sadly as the lilac princess broke down in tears.

Selena opened her mouth to say something, but was instantly cut off. "Do you know why I hovered over Corrin so much?" Selena shook her head, knowing that silence was the best option for now. "My father had many wives. Combines, more or less. The only thing any of them wanted was the title of queen. We children would often get used as pawns, nothing more than meaningless trump cards." Selena averted her eyes as Camilla went on. "My mother never loved me. She only loved prestige. Money. Selfish bitch... Corrin was so small. So...powerless. She reminded me of myself, in a way. I didn't want her to live the same life I did. I let her know that she had someone who cared about her, someone who loved her deeply. And now? She's dead by her own hands, gone the way I thought of going many times."

There was silence for a while before Camilla spoke back up. "There's nothing left now. No one for me to care for or to care about me. No one. Nothing. Less than nothing. What does that even mean?"

Selena gulped visibly, and when she spoke, her voice was raspy. "I know how you feel."

"Oh, no, you don't," Camilla sneered with open antagonism.

"Yes, I do. Do you want to know my original home? It's nothing but cinders. Completely burned to the ground."

Camilla looked up in horror. "What? Selena, you can't possibly-"

"My mother and father were killed right before my eyes, protecting me with every last ounce of strength they had."

"Selena-"

"The only escape route was time travel, but my sister lost all memory of me! I had to fight my three wars back to back! I'm pretty fucking sure I know how you feel!"

Camilla was taken aback by Selena's rant. "I...I had no idea..."

Selena had lost her steam. She sat on Camilla's bed, staring out the window. "It's the eleventh circle of hell, my life. Almost die eighty times, and still get overlooked by the only ones who could care. I don't even know why I try anymore." Suddenly, Camilla hugged Selena tightly. Selena was take off guard. "Wha-hey! Let go!"

Camilla's face was still streaming with tears, some of them soaking up her retainer's hair. "My poor Selena...I can't believe you held that from me for so long..."

Selena simply sat there, hand on Camilla's arm. Tears were forming in her eyes as she allowed the princess to hold her, ignoring the tears. Her mind wandered as Camilla spoke one last time.

"I'll make sure you never suffer again. I promise..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uggggghh...
> 
> Writing is hard work, make no mistake about it.
> 
> Then again, I am publishing this at 4 in the morning, sooooooo...Yeah.
> 
> Don't worry, I haven't abandoned my other works. Yet. I've just been running into a wall made of writer's blocks.
> 
> Next chapter is Orochi, Reina, Yukimura, and Ryoma.


	5. Interlude

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gunter is always the last to know.

Gunter sat just inside the cave entrance, hunched over as he hid from Vallite soldiers. He brushed his horse's mane as he looked out at the confusing geography of the realm. "Gods be damned if I ever get out of here..." he muttered to himself.

Out of the corner of his eye, Gunter saw a bright flash. With his lance in hand, he leaned out ever so slightly in an attempt to see the source. He caught sight of Princess Azura, apparently arriving at that moment. His eyes strayed further to a group of Vallite soldiers. He ran through possibilities in his head.

_'Is she close enough? I definitely don't want to yell...Let's try this.'_

He whispered loudly in Azura's direction, cupping his hands to direct the sound towards the bluenette. "Azura! Over here!"

Azura looked up, scanning around her, her eyes landing on Gunter. The knight strained his eyes. 

_'Is she...crying?'_ he thought to himself. _'No, don't get distracted, Gunter. Task at hand. Task. At hand.'_

He gestured towards himself. Azura understood. She stood up quickly, almost tripping over backwards into the lake. Catching herself, she glanced behind her at the group of Vallite soldiers (specifically, at the strategist leading the group), before moving quickly to the cave.

Gunter took the princess under his arm as he motioned to his horse to move further back into the cave. After they had gone a fair distance in, he leaned against a wall, letting Azura down. He winced as he held his leg. "Oughf...I'm getting too old for this. I have to say, Azura, if you didn't help me out when I first arrived, I'd be deader than a five year old boy in the Woods of the Forlorn."

Azura didn't respond. He looked down to see that she was, in fact, crying. "Um...Lady Azura?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This isn't meant to be a full chapter; it's just a little thing I wrote up for giggles.
> 
> But to those who will undoubtedly ask, yes. NEXT time is Orochi, Yukimura, Ryoma, and Reina.
> 
> After them is Hinoka (guest starring Azama).


End file.
